Being us.

I've read a million versions of what you should do when your brain is crammed with too many thoughts for you to feel sane: Sleep, go out, talk to your friends, eat. And Mr Weatherbee from Archie Comics thinks you should mull things over with a glass of milk. While each of them do work, what really helps is the quiet optimist in us that tells us we can do it. That feeling empowers us, plants a deep-set glow of hope and the courage to put one foot ahead of the other. But what if we fail miserably? My tried-and-tested antidote to failure? A tray full of ice cubes and a Grey's Anatomy marathon.

They say there is a 'way' to live life. But each day is like a fingerprint-- completely unique. And so each day must be dealt with in a different way. Sometimes we react differently to the same thing and sometimes opposite things garner the same response. So as much as we'd like to change life and live it a certain way, the truth is we don't have the source code.
All these thoughts are disconnected, but they're really the same thing- you don't get to choose how to live your life, it's predetermined. But you do get to shape it- the everyday decisions that we make take us closer to the bigger picture step by step. So when you're ever worried or stressed out, think it over in whatever way you like, and whichever path you choose will be best for you and different- just like your fingerprint.

When old wounds hurt.

Pain is something we experience right from childhood. It starts by falling when we’re learning to walk for the first time. We cry, get up, and try again. As a kid, anytime you get hurt because of a piece of furniture et al, we learn to glare back at it, wide-eyed as if we’ll intimidate it into an apology. As we grow up, the pain gets worse. And it can’t always be soothed with a band-aid.
The pain of loss is probably the most grief inducing thing there is. If we’re lucky, we’ll have someone by our side telling us it’s going to be okay, that we’ll grit our teeth and survive. Fall in love and their pain will feel like it’s causing you pain too. One wince and it feels like a shock wave to your spine.
But the upside is that pain happens to be a great teacher. You fall and you know what you’re doing wrong. A tiny scald and you’ll avoid the hot utensil like a normal person avoids Brussels sprouts. Life never really teaches you to avoid loss—but it DOES teach you how to survive it.
And then there are old wounds. Those faded bruises that we like to show off so proudly because they prove we have a story, that we DID something. The ones that can’t be seen though, are the ones that caused us the most amount of pain. Every time the old wound starts to hurt, we feel fragile, human. The cut’s long gone, but the pain still lingers.
None of us can really imagine life without pain. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We only know how much we were hurting after it’s over.
We feel lucky once the bad part’s over. You think to yourself- “Well, I won’t be doing THAT again”. But some things cannot be won. The pain’s never over because life keeps making more. All you can really do is breathe through it.

WHY?

So I was watching this show called Emotional Atyachar on TV the other night and I realized it was probably the stupidest show ever created. You try to check whether the person you love would go astray if they meet an attractive member of the opposite sex without your knowledge. And what if they do? You realize that everything you believed in is falling around you and you lose it. And what if they don't? True love happens only once. You never quite have your whole heart to give away to anyone except for one person in your entire lifetime. People who don't realize and respect that are plain stupid. How can you want to send the person you care about the most into someone else's arms? Trust is a gift you receive when you love whole heartedly. And there's no room for doubt when you trust completely. So if you're sitting there worrying and wanting to "cross-check", don't bother. It pretty much means you don't have a true relationship anyway.

Life and all that jazz.

My day was as uneventful as they get. It was your typical Thursday. I'd love to say that I experienced a moment that changed my life, but that'd be a lie. I learned that life is very transitory when my dad got transferred to a strange city when I was three years of age. It's not like I was shifting all the time, or that I even understood the implications of that decision then, but when I moved from the place that smelled like home to a new abode, everything changed.

Anyway, the point is that sometimes I just look around and try to savor how I'm feeling then. It's like a memory scrapbook- quite literally. Today, for instance, it was that you can choose to be inspired, instead of waiting for inspiration to strike you. I looked at my teacher, trying to figure out a thousand things in her head. Thinking of a way that would be best for her students. To educate us and unknowingly provide a life lesson on the way. And provide inspiration for a certain writer. Maybe all of us inspire someone or the other each day. And that's something to be proud of.

We judge everybody around us, and I think that's necessary to an extent, because it's like a defense mechanism, but maybe we're missing the point. Underneath that calm exterior might be a very confused soul; someone who's losing their temper all the time might have problems we can't even begin to fathom; someone who looks down on you might not be sure of themselves. It's ridiculous to expect a human being to keep all this in mind- we're programmed to feel SO much, but maybe a few people are so hell-bent on putting labels on everyone, they forget to live. And that's such a colossal loss.

So here I am. I felt like the luckiest person when I got home early and sat around having fun, but now I wish I could've said- "Why can't there be ONE more hour in the day? 24 is seriously not enough." I would've felt like I earned the right to do nothing then. I'll probably be writing the exact opposite thing a few days from now. And that's the beauty of being human. So much change to cope with, so little time. So steal five minutes for yourself and think about what hit you most about your day. Embrace it, then let it go. LIVE.

Tick tock.

Recently I received a piece of terrible news- one of my distant relatives passed away because his car caught fire and he couldn't get out. Countless people have written about how we take life and the people we love for granted, but how can we not? People I'm close to are like my inner universe, and the fish never thinks the pond will dry up.

One thought led to another, and I thought of how terrible it would be if I was victim to such an accident. The sheer horror of it is maddening(I whine when I get a minuscule burn), but what's worse is the thought that I would never see my people again. I don't even want to imagine what they'll go through, but I've always thought of it like they'll lose one person but I'll lose so many.
But that's okay, I'm pretty sure I'm going to live to be a hundred years old, and a kick-ass grandma, so I don't want to dwell on the macabre too much.

'What's the moral of the story?' I can hear my own mind asking me. But maybe sometimes it's alright to not know the answer to that.

Time heals all wounds. Time waits for no one. We've heard this over and over again. I hope my uncle's family and friends, as well as the near and dear ones of the people whose lives are tragically ended everyday find some solace in that fact. Maybe with time it'll hurt less. One can only hope.

Maybe that's all we ever really need in life. Time to fall in love. Time to live. Time to say goodbye. Time to move on. Time to make someone happy. Time to correct that which is not. Time.

When you're happy and you know it.

I had BIG plans for the summer-- going someplace great for the holidays, bake brownies, get a tan, lose weight, go running every day(haha), and it goes on. What I actually ended up doing was not go anywhere, wake up late, sit around, meet a few friends most days, home, a movie, then sleep.

I still managed to have a good time, but in the back of my mind, I was frustrated at not being able to do all that I wanted to. It was pretty much your regular whining: "But, but..EVERYONE went somewhere!" I'd tell my brain to shut up, but that tiny little voice inside me has a pretty solid set of lungs on it.

The summer got over and the slight nip in the air brought with it the impending doom of college reopening. The prospect of a new academic year is exhilarating, but the stringent hours, assignments, getting stuck into a routine...not so much. Sure, you get to meet friends, but I'd rather meet them at a healthier time than 8:30am, thankyouverymuch.

Then it was back to the usual. I was dreading it every day. You never quite get used to a whole different set of teachers and subjects for sometime.

But being back to the place where I'd spent so much time in the past two years made me realize that I'd missed it, despite everything. Familiar corridors, friendly faces, the collective groan when a professor decides they won't leave until they absolutely have to. I felt alive, like I'd been breathing the same air for a long time and I was suddenly free to be the person I was; the me I loved, hated, admired, laughed at--it was the best feeling in the world.

That made me realize that even though I wouldn't want to miss out on the chance of going somewhere next summer, and that I would hate being in college most days, I was mistaking being adventurous and wishful with being happy.

Once again today, I woke up at 7am feeling cranky, went to college, parked in the midst of a thousand other bikes, climbed up the familiar staircases I had innumerable times before, complained about everything under the sun, laughed at stupid jokes, ate a Wada Pav and drank tea for lunch, sat in a stuffy classroom, braved lectures, and came back to the comforting smell of home only to laze around. It was like any other day.

I always thought if I got to do something worth writing about everyday, that would mean I was happy. But happiness is seeing the same people everyday and feeling glad you did. Seeing someone's expression mirror how bored you feel. That face in the crowd that you know will lift your mood in an instant.

Happiness is not getting to go to a faraway land and escaping. It's not about trying so hard to feel good, you don't know who you are anymore.

Happiness is about tying your hair in a messy bun and looking around once in a while. It's not in our dreams and wishes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.

Chickening out.

I was a wee nine year old when i first ate a chicken burger(by mistake), marched up to my mom, and announced that I had enjoyed it immensely. Ten years later, almost to the day, I tasted chicken again and liked it, again. Blame a bad second experience for the huge time gap.

Every time I'd go out with friends or cousins, they'd stare at my 'measly' plate, look admiringly at their own plate stuffed with meat and scoff at me for not trying the obvious. And being a Punjabi and a vegetarian is the equivalent of bringing a six pack to an AA meeting-- people look at you like you're defying your life's calling.

But old habits die hard. You can't suddenly decide to stop biting your nails, so switching over to being a 'non-vegetarian' was going to take some time and mental preparation.

Then one day, I was ready. I knew I was. It was just a matter of when.

Hello, July 4th, 2010.

The waiter brought my Chicken Tikka Masala. I took a long look at it, thinking to myself that I had DEFINITELY not thought this through. You can't change nineteen years worth of eating culture in a second. Can you? I was comforted by the very wise words of the person sitting across me- 'Relax. You don't have to eat it if you don't want to.'..'Well', I thought, I'll just wait some more then.'

But the problem with waiting is you never know what you're missing.

I took one look at that beatific smile and dug right in. And I'm so glad I did! And I realized all that apprehension was for nothing. That's the beautiful and terrible part about being human. You adapt to anything very quickly.

'Aapko aur kuch chahiye?'

I gave a quick nod, and the menu card was thrust into my hands. After much deliberation and passing around, Butter Chicken was ordered. By now I was feeling like quite the pro. Not to mention a little uncertain. Paradox much, I know. But I knew all I needed was the quiet assurance of those perfectly familiar eyes. 'Don't worry, I've got you', they seemed to say. 'You're doing fine.'

As it turns out, I WAS doing fine. I managed to have a wonderful time, and exponentially increase my eating options. 'And finally managed to gain purpose in life' were the words said to me. Jesus, we all love to exaggerate =P

All in all, it was a lot less dramatic than I'd expected. And I'm glad I went ahead with it-- I didn't want to wait ten more years you see.

But what I'm most happy about is that the next time I go out to eat, and someone says- 'You're a Punjabi right? You can't be a VEGETARIAN', I don't have to smile and shrug anymore.

That's right, folks. Bring on the meat, I promise I'll try not to chicken out.